Chi̍t-ê Tâi-oân Gín-á Tùi Chiong-lâi Kak-chhíⁿ ê Kòe-thêng
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一個台灣囡仔對將來覺醒ê過程 |
| Tēⁿ Ngá-î |
鄭雅怡 |
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----Bí-lē-tó Sū-kiāⁿ Liáu-āu Cha̍p-peh-nî
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---美麗島事件了後十八年 |
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Bí-lē-tó Sū-kiāⁿ hoat-seng kàu taⁿ í-keng cha̍p-peh-nî lah. Sî-kan teh kòe chin kín. Chhut-sū ê sî, góa iáu teh tha̍k ko-jī. Liân cha̍p-chhit-hòe to iáu-bōe móa. Taⁿ í-keng kòe cha̍p-peh-nî. Ta̍k-nî ê cha̍p-jī-goe̍h chhe-cha̍p, chōe-chōe lâng lóng teh kì-liām chit-ê Tâi-oân le̍k-sú-siōng tiōng-iàu ê ji̍t-chí. Góa iā ēng ka-kī ê hong-sek kì-liām i. In-ūi Bí-lē-tó Sū-kiāⁿ kái-piàn góa ê jîn-seng, hō͘ góa tùi chi̍t-ê kan-ta kò͘ tha̍k-chheh ê ha̍k-seng gín-á, “tńg tōa-lâng” , chiâⁿ-chòe chi̍t-ê ài Tâi-oân to̍k-li̍p ê Tâi-oân-lâng.
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美麗島事件發生到今已經十八年lah。時間teh過真緊。出事ê時，我iáu teh讀高二。連十七歲都iáu未滿。今已經過十八年。逐年ê十二月初十，濟濟人攏teh紀念這個台灣歷史上重要ê日子。我也用家己ê方式紀念伊。因為美麗島事件改變我ê人生，hō͘我tùi一個kan-ta顧讀冊ê學生囡仔，「轉大人」，成做一個ài台灣獨立ê台灣人。 |
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Bí-lē-tó hoat-seng ê só͘-chāi lī góa ê chhù kap ha̍k-hāu bô jōa-hn̄g. Hit-mî góa bô tī hiān-tiûⁿ. Chóng-sī keh-tńg-ji̍t chhut-mn̂g, chiū kám-kak Pe̍h-sek khióng-pò͘ ê khì-hun. Mûi-thé it-ti̍t bû-lōa, lé-mē hiah-ê “hoán-pōe hūn-chú”. Ha̍k-hāu chá-hōe ê sî, ha̍k-seng kap lāu-su iā lûn-liû khián-chek in. M̄-kú góa chai che sī Kok-bîn-tóng siat-kè ê lô-bāng, kò͘-ì chè-ap Tâi-oân-lâng ê bîn-chú ūn-tōng.
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美麗島發生ê所在離我ê厝kap學校無偌遠。Hit暝我無tī現場。總是隔轉日出門，就感覺白色恐怖ê氣氛。媒體一直巫賴、詈罵hiah-ê「反背分子」。學校早會ê時，學生kap老師也輪流譴責in。M̄-kú我知che是國民黨設計ê羅網，故意制壓台灣人ê民主運動。 |
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Hit-tia̍p góa chiah liáu-kái, sī cháiⁿ-iūⁿ góa nā mn̄g pē-bú iú-koan Jī-jī-pat ê tāi-chì, in m̄-khéng kóng, hoán-tńg mē góa o͘-pe̍h-mn̄g. Ūi hô-kò͘ góa ê sì-kū khì Bí-kok liû-ha̍k chiū bōe tit tò-tńg--lâi. Chhin-lâng kìⁿ-nā thê-khí i, iā hoân-ló, iā kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ. Koh ū góa ê lāu-pē tī chhù--ni̍h tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ mē Kok-bîn-tóng, m̄-kú kóng-soah sûi-sî kéng-kài gín-á bo̍h-tit chhut-khì kóng. Chá-chêng góa tùi chiah-ê tāi-chì sui-jiân gî-būn, khiok m̄-bat chhim-siūⁿ. Bí-lē-tó Sū-kiāⁿ sòa hō͘ góa bêng-liâu it-chhè.
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Hit-tia̍p我chiah了解，是怎樣我若問父母有關二二八ê代誌，in m̄肯講，反轉罵我烏白問。為何故我ê四舅去美國留學就bōe得倒轉--來。親人見若提起伊，也煩惱，也驚惶。Koh有我ê老父tī厝--ni̍h定定罵國民黨，m̄-kú講煞隨時炯戒囡仔莫得出去講。早前我對chiah-ê代誌雖然疑問，卻m̄-bat深想。美麗島事件煞hō͘我明瞭一切。 |
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Bí-lē-tó siū-lān-chiá siū sím-phòaⁿ kî-kan, kìⁿ-nā kiⁿ-chhim iā-chēng, góa kiâⁿ-óa thang-á, khòaⁿ-tio̍h àm-sàm ê lō͘-teng chēng-chēng chiò-lo̍h hóe-hu-sek ê ke-lō͘, ba̍k-sái chiū lâu bōe chí. Kám-kak chit-tè thó͘-tōe ê khó͘-thàng chiū-sī góa ê khó͘-thàng. Tâi-oân-lâng chi̍t-tāi chi̍t-tāi ê le̍k-sú lóng kap góa liân-chòe chi̍t-thé.
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美麗島受難者受審判期間，見若更深夜靜，我行倚窗仔，看著暗sàm ê路燈靜靜照落火灰色ê街路，目屎就流bōe止。感覺這塊土地ê苦痛就是我ê苦痛。台灣人一代一代ê歷史攏kap我連做一體。 |
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Hit-chām góa ta̍k-ji̍t kiâⁿ-lō͘ khì ha̍k-hāu, siang-kha lóng phû-phû, Ńg-Ńg, chhin-chhiūⁿ ta̍h tī hûn--ni̍h. Í-chêng Kok-bîn-tóng kà--góa-ê í-keng phò-bia̍t. Beh cháiⁿ-iūⁿ tiông-kiàn ka-kī, chhōe-tio̍h sin ê kè-ta̍t-koan? Sòa-chiap che cha̍p-peh-nî, góa chiū ta̍uh-ta̍uh cháu-chhōe chū-ngó͘ si̍t-chiàn ê khoán-sit. Tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ mn̄g ka-kī, beh chòe sím-mi̍h khoán ê Tâi-oân-lâng?
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Hit-chām我逐日行路去學校，雙腳攏浮浮、軟軟，親像踏tī雲--ni̍h。以前國民黨教--我-ê已經破滅。Beh怎樣重建家己，chhōe著新ê價值觀？續接che十八年，我就ta̍uh-ta̍uh走chhōe自我實踐ê款式。定定問家己：beh做甚mi̍h款ê台灣人？ |
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Bí-lē-tó Sū-kiāⁿ āu, lāu-su kè-siok tī ha̍k-hāu “siau-to̍k”. Ū chi̍t-pái, góa ê kong-bîn lāu-su mē Lū Siù-liân “Ta̍k-lâng lóng thang chòe tiōng-hu”, sī îm-loān ê pháiⁿ-cha-bó͘. Góa chin-chiàⁿ siūⁿ beh the̍h chheh kheng i. m̄-kú án-ni put-kò sī hō͘ lâng lia̍h-khì koaiⁿ, bô hoat-tō͘ si̍t-chè thè Tâi-oân chòe sím-mi̍h. Chí-ū chiām-sî jím-nāi. Hit-sî góa koat-tēng tha̍k-chheh choa̍t-tùi beh tha̍k-iâⁿ Tiong-kok-lâng. khǹg chit-tiám m̄-goān, chi̍t-nî āu góa ēng chin koân ê sêng-chek khó-tio̍h Tâi-Tāi Gōa-bûn-hē.
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美麗島事件後，老師繼續tī學校「消毒」。有一擺，我ê公民老師罵呂秀蓮「逐人攏thang做丈夫」，是淫亂ê歹查某。我真正想beh提冊kheng伊。M̄-kú án-ni不過是hō͘人掠去關，無法度實際替台灣做甚mi̍h。只有暫時忍耐。Hit時我決定讀冊絕對beh讀贏中國人。囥這點m̄願，一年後我用真懸ê成績考著台大外文系。 |
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Tha̍k Tâi-Tāi hit sì-nî, góa chin ut-chut, iā chin sit-bōng. In-ūi iáu ū pe̍h-sek khióng-pò͘, lāu-su kap ha̍k-seng m̄-káⁿ hō͘-siong thó-lūn Tâi-oân ê būn-tôe. Nā kóng hō͘ pē-bú thiaⁿ, in chiū lō͘-hiān khòa-lū ê piáu-chêng. Lō͘-bóe chiū m̄-káⁿ koh tī in ê bīn-chêng thê-khí. Bûn-ha̍k-īⁿ ê lāu-su tāi-khài lóng-sī Tiong-kok-lâng. In kà--ê chha-put-to sī “Chhiūⁿ-gê-thah” (Ivory Tower) ê mi̍h. Hit sî góa seng-khu-lāi chhin-chhiūⁿ hóe teh sio, tùi in só͘ kà--ê lóng bô chhù-bī. Ū-êng ê sî, khì chheh-tiàm hian tóng-gōa cha̍p-chì á-sī kìm-chheh, liân thâu-ke iā ōe chù-ì. Góa siá ê bûn-chiuⁿ bô tè thang hoat-piáu. Nā khì thiaⁿ ha̍k-hāu-lāi Lí Hông-hi hit kúi ê chū-iû-phài kàu-siū káng-ián, piⁿ-á chiū khiā jiàu-pê-á teh hip-siōng, kàm-sī. Oa̍h tī chit-chióng khoân-kéng, góa teh-beh choa̍t-khùi. Ōe khì Bí-kok tha̍k sin-bûn, iā sī ǹg-bāng thong-kòe mûi-thé lâi hián-bêng chèng-gī. Hit-sî góa iáu siong-sìn pit ê le̍k-liōng iâⁿ-kòe to-kiàm. Bat góa ê lâng lóng gî-gā. In-ūi tī in ba̍k-chiu-lāi, góa si̍t-chāi bô chhin-chhiūⁿ kì-chiá.
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讀台大hit四年，我真鬱卒，也真失望。因為iáu有白色恐怖，老師kap學生m̄敢互相討論台灣ê問題。若講hō͘父母聽，in就露現掛慮ê表情。路尾就m̄敢koh tī in ê面前提起。文學院ê老師大概攏是中國人。In教--ê差不多是「象牙塔」（Ivory Tower）ê物。Hit時我身軀內親像火teh燒，對in所教--ê攏無趣味。有閒ê時，去冊店掀黨外雜誌抑是禁冊，連頭家也會注意。我寫ê文章無tè thang發表。若去聽學校內李鴻禧hit幾個自由派教授講演，邊仔就企爪耙仔teh翕像、監視。活tī這種環境，我teh-beh絕氣。會去美國讀新聞，也是向望通過媒體來顯明正義。Hit時我iáu相信筆ê力量贏過刀劍。Bat我ê人攏疑訝，因為tī in目珠內，我實在無親像記者。 |
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Chi̍t-nî chi̍t-nî kòe--khì. Góa ài Tâi-oân to̍k-li̍p ê sim ná lâi ná kian-tēng. Tiong-kan sui-jiân bat tùi chōe-chōe hiān-siōng, chōe-chōe lâng sit-bōng, chóng-sī iáu m̄-kam tùi Tâi-oân choa̍t-bōng. Bô-lūn tha̍k-chheh, chia̍h thâu-lō͘, sīm-chì āu-lâi hun-in ê soán-te̍k lóng siū-tio̍h Bí-lē-tó Sū-kiāⁿ éng-hióng. Kiám-chhái iā in-ūi án-ni, sòa tú-tio̍h bōe chió chó͘-gāi, hù-chhut chi̍t-kóa kò-jîn tāi-kè. Sui-bóng án-ni, góa lêng-khó lia̍h chiah-ê khùn-lân chòe chhì-liān. Sī “têng-thâu-siⁿ“ chòe Tâi-oân-lâng su-iàu thong-kòe ê khó-giām, iā sī “tńg tōa-lâng” ài kiáu ê ha̍k-hùi.
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一年一年過--去。我ài台灣獨立ê心那來那堅定。中間雖然bat對濟濟現象，濟濟人失望，總是iáu m̄甘對台灣絕望。無論讀冊、食頭路，甚至後來婚姻ê選擇攏受著美麗島事件影響。Kiám-chhái也因為án-ni,煞tú著bōe少阻礙，付出一寡個人代價。雖罔án-ni,我寧可掠chiah-ê困難做試煉。是「重頭生」做台灣人需要通過ê考驗，也是「轉大人」ài繳ê學費。 |
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Cha̍p-peh-nî lâi, Bí-lē-tó Sū-kiāⁿ siū-lān ê chiân-pòe iā keng-kòe chōe-chōe piàn-hòa. Ū ê tam-tio̍h koân-le̍k ê chu-bī, chiū sit-lo̍h chá-kî ê lí-sióng. Ū-sî góa sui-jiân put-boán in ê só͘-chòe, chóng-sī nî-hòe ná chōe, chiū ná bêng-liâu lâng ê kiōng-tông jio̍k-tiám. Bōe in-ūi in ê poa̍h-tó, sòa iô-choah ka-kī ê sim-chì. Tùi tī in kòe-khì ê kòng-hiàn, iû-goân hui-siông kám-siā. Nā bô in ê hi-seng, chiū bô góa ê kak-chhíⁿ.
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十八年來，美麗島事件受難ê前輩也經過濟濟變化。有ê tam著權力ê滋味，就失落早期ê理想。有時我雖然不滿in ê所做，總是年歲那濟，就那明瞭人ê共同弱點。Bōe因為in ê跋倒，續搖choah家己ê心志。Tùi tī in過去ê貢獻，猶原非常感謝。若無in ê犧牲，就無我ê覺醒。 |
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Chit kúi-nî góa iā teh chhiau-chhōe jîn-seng ê bo̍k-phiau. Kū-nî chham-ka Tâi-gí kàu-sek, o̍h Lô-má-jī, chiah khak-tēng ka-kī thang ūi Tâi-oân chòe sím-mi̍h. Khí-thâu o̍h Lô-má-jī, kan-ta ūi-tio̍h Tâi-gí siá-chok ê hong-piān. Chiām-chiām soah bêng-pe̍k chhui-kóng Lô-má-jī ê pit-iàu. Iā hoat-hiān chōe-chōe būn-tôe lóng ài tùi Tâi-gí gí-hoat chiah chhōe ū kái-tap. Kin-nî khai-sí chòe Tâi-gí gī-kang lāu-su í-āu, ná kian-tēng chi̍t-chióng siūⁿ-hoat. Chit hong-bīn ê gián-kiù tú-tú sī hiān-sî Tâi-gí gián-kiù tiong-kan siōng khiàm-khoeh--ê. Só͘-í góa phah-sǹg siōng bān tán kàu gín-á tōa-hàn, chiah khì tha̍k gí-giân-ha̍k. Tī che tiong-kan iā kè-sio̍k siá-chok, ǹg-bāng thè āu-tāi ê Tâi-oân-lâng lâu-lo̍h tām-po̍h ûi-sán.
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這幾年我也teh chhiau-chhōe人生ê目標。舊年參加台語教室，學羅馬字，chiah確定家己thang為台灣做甚mi̍h。起頭學羅馬字，kan-ta為著台語寫作ê方便。漸漸煞明白推廣羅馬字ê必要。也發現濟濟問題攏ài tùi台語語法chiah chhōe有解答。今年開始做台語義工老師以後，那堅定這種想法。這方面ê研究tú-tú是現時台語研究中間上欠缺--ê。所以我扑算上慢等到囡仔大漢，chiah去讀語言學。Tī che中間也繼續寫作，向望替後代ê台灣人留落淡薄遺產。 |
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Khiā-khí tī ú-tiū tiong-kan, kià-ba̍k tī bô khí-thâu, bô chīn-pōng ê sî-kan, lâng ê sìⁿ-miā ke̍k-kî bî-sòe, té-chiām. Tī té-té ê jîn-seng, cha̍p-peh-nî chiū chiàm chin tn̂g ê pō͘-hūn. Bí-lē-tó Sū-kiāⁿ kòe-liáu cha̍p-peh-nî, góa chiah chai-bêng ka-kī ê sú-bēng. Che si̍t-chāi sī Siōng-tè te̍k-pia̍t ê un-sù. Pún-chiâⁿ nā ūi-tio̍h kò-jîn, góa ê sìⁿ-miā m̄ ta̍t-tit oa̍h. M̄-kú ūi-tio̍h chhiâⁿ-ióng gín-á, ūi-tio̍h chhui-hêng Lô-má-jī thang kiàn-li̍p ka-kī ê bûn-hòa, iû-goân tio̍h kiû Siōng-tè hō͘ góa kàu-gia̍h ê sî-kan kap khùi-la̍t, thang oân-sêng chiah-ê sū-kang. Ǹg-bāng góa chi̍t-sì-lâng ê phah-piàⁿ, ōe sió-khóa lī-ek-tio̍h kò͘-hiong Tâi-oân.
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企起tī宇宙中間，寄目tī無起頭、無盡pōng ê時間，人ê生命極其微細、短暫。Tī短短ê人生，十八年就佔真長ê部份。美麗島事件過了十八年，我chiah知明家己ê使命。Che實在是上帝特別ê恩賜。本chiâⁿ若為著個人，我ê生命m̄值得活。M̄-kú為著成養囡仔，為著推行羅馬字thang建立家己ê文化，猶原著求上帝hō͘我夠額ê時間kap氣力，thang完成chiah-ê事工。向望我一世人ê扑拚，會小可利益著故鄉台灣。 |
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(“Góa ū chi̍t-ê Bāng”, Tēⁿ Ngá-î chok-phín-chi̍p)
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（《我有一個夢》––鄭雅怡作品集） |
